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Guest blog contributed by: Jori Brick LCSW, a psychotherapist working with kids, adolescents, and parents at Augustyn Family Services, a private practice located in the Ravenswood/North Center area. Join Jori as she hosts a FREE, live hybrid discussion on Thursday, May 14th from 7:00-8:00pm in-person at the GENEROC.I.T.Y. Shop (with free childcare available) and via zoom. Everyone is welcome, but registration is required. Professionals: this webinar has also been submitted for Early Intervention credit.
When you notice your child might be a bit different, the fear of what they will and won’t be capable of creeps in. You get the feedback from the evaluation and learn that your child is autistic or has ADHD and you spiral wondering things like, “Will they ever make friends?”, “Will they be able to learn and do well in school?”, and “What if they aren’t able to do all of the things I imagined and dreamed of?” You start to wonder if they will be able to be successful in life.
In therapy your kiddo will have different goals set for them. Some days feel really good and it seems like they are making a ton of progress. Some days don’t feel so good and it is like starting right back from the beginning. It can be hard in this cycle to slow down and recognize the wins they are having and what they are succeeding at.
In order to be able to notice and praise kids for their success we need to change our own perspectives, redefine what success means, and ensure that regulation, attunement, and secure relationships are at the forefront of what we do in supporting neurodivergent kids. In order to do this we have to think just as much about how parents can make changes themselves as we do with kids.
Our society isn’t set up to best support, celebrate, or acknowledge neurodivergent individuals. A lot of the time therapies for neurodivergent kids are focused on helping them fit into a world that isn’t made for them. This leads to frustration, miscommunication, lack of understanding, and distance in the relationship between caregiver and their kids.
I worked with a mom who was so frustrated that their child couldn’t put their dirty clothes in the hamper after their shower. They tried behavior charts, prizes, reminders, and check lists but nothing seemed to work. Each and every shower was met with frustration, irritation, and a fight. I had a simple suggestion for them: What if we put a hamper in the bathroom? All of a sudden the fights over dirty clothes on the bathroom floor stopped, the child was able to celebrate the success of not having clothes on the floor, and they both realized that working with what their brains naturally wanted to do would lend to more success. Clearly identifying what the goal is and thinking more in depth about what you are actually trying to accomplish is the key. Asking yourself where you can find some flexibility and decide what is and is not an important boundary or expectation will set both you and your child up for the most success.
There are a lot of little wins we can find within situations that certainly don’t feel that way if we look from a different direction. Normally we wouldn’t look at a kid slamming the door and cussing at their parents as a win, however, if their normal response in a similar situation is to hit, kick, or throw something, some cussing and a door slam feels like something to celebrate.
In this moment you can pause, take a deep breath to regulate your own nervous system, and think about all of the ways your child is actually succeeding even within a difficult moment. When you go to your child and praise and recognize them for this you show them that you truly see them, that any effort is worth celebrating, and that they are capable of making changes even when it seems hard.
Everyone has a different definition of success. Most people would say a kid is successful at school if they can sit quietly in the chair, raise their hand to answer questions, have a good group of friends, and are able to understand and integrate the material. What about kids who can name every single astronaut who’s gone into space? Or the kid who has perfect pitch and can learn any new instrument within days? What about the kid who can’t sit still to save their life but can spell any word you throw their way? Success doesn’t need to look like getting straight As in class, having a huge group of friends, or working a typical 9-5 job. If we can personalize what success and having a win means to each individual we can build confidence, increase motivation, and work towards goals that kids actually want to work to reach. Take a second to think about what your child is passionate about, what they are naturally good at, when they are the most regulated, and what the direction their brain normally takes them. These are the bits of information that will allow you to define success, set goals, and see wins in day to day life.
Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane and imagine your kiddos in those first few years of life. As humans we are hardwired to form attachments to our caregivers for our survival. Through safe relationships with caregivers infants and toddlers are able to get their physical and emotional needs met in order to grow, learn, and thrive.
Imagine you are in the trenches of that first year of life. You’ve hit that ever fun 4 month sleep regression and your baby is screaming their cute little head off. You try a bottle, you try their favorite sleep sack, you try changing them even though they are barely wet and they are still making it clear that isn’t what they need. You feel your body stiffen and your patience shortening second by second. It seems the more frustrated you are the more they scream. That is because just as you are attuned to them, they are just as attuned to you.
These are skills that we seem to use less and less as our kids get older. Trying to reason with a child who is dysregulated is never going to work. This is why it feels like the coping skills they learn in therapy don’t work in the moment. Focusing on regulation before using specific skills or discussing what happened is the key to coming out of these moments feeling a win rather than defeat.
Play therapy is an amazing resource that can lend a helping hand in being able to actually put these ideas into practice. Within the play therapy space children are allowed to do and say almost anything they want. This allows them to feel safe enough to express themselves in ways that are more natural and comfortable to them.
A play therapist is trained to recognize themes and assist parents in understanding their child’s wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings. Play based mental health therapy allows kids to communicate their thoughts and feelings, relieve stress, process and reflect on different situations in their lives, and learn new skills. This leads to less dysregulation, more insight, and increased motivation and confidence which are all key to experiencing and feeling those wins.
Recognizing success and praising your neurodivergent child for their wins is imperative. Neurodivergent kids hear much more negative feedback than their peers which can lead to lack of confidence, low self esteem, and mental health struggles. Neurodivergent brains work in their own unique ways and that is something to be acknowledged and celebrated. When kids have the resources to work with their brain, they will be more successful than trying to fit into a world not created with them in mind.
Psychotherapist
www.augustynfamilyservices.com
